For a new product launch in Great Britain, a company commissioned a survey on spontaneity (or lack thereof). They polled over two thousand adults. Most said that there were lots of things they would really like to do, but which they consciously refrained from doing. While acknowledging that they felt more alive and engaged and had more fun when out of their comfort zone, they admitted that they very rarely left it. A majority of respondents said the reason they stuck to the behaviors expected of them was because they feared what others would think if they broke from routine.

The number one thing that Britons wished they could do but dreaded the repercussions of doing was: complimenting a stranger on the street.

I was gobsmacked. It surprised me that it was what folks most wanted to do, and it surprised me that it was something about which they felt inhibited.

I understand better some of the other longed-for-but-suppressed desires mentioned — singing out loud in public, dancing wildly, freely farting. I mean, I do all those things, but I get why others might be self-conscious about them. It was harder for me to imagine what could be so scary about complimenting a stranger.

I’ve been wondering. Are people afraid that the compliment won’t be reciprocated? Or that it will be? The desire to connect is pretty clear. And if the survey is accurate, then most of us share this desire, so it seems like it should be a fairly easy fix.

The article I read didn’t draw any conclusions or make recommendations beyond the company’s suggestion that people should be more spontaneous and try their new product — “Peparami.” I’m a little skeptical that eating these meat-stick snacks will do much to heal our broken hearts and encourage us to be vulnerable and intimate with each other, but who knows; I wish them luck.

I do think that a practice of complimenting strangers (genuine compliments in appropriate settings) might help to create a friendlier world.

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For me, the practical essence of spirituality is the interplay between individual self-expression and collaborative creativity.

Spirituality is where our own voice harmonizes with each other’s voices. Where our personal gifts, talents, and passions answer that for which the world is calling. We can apply this sensibility to any pursuit, in every area of life. Remembering that each of us embodies unique gifts and a singular perspective, and that we’re forever bringing these unique selves to something greater, something in which we all participate, something we’re creating together.

And this thing we’re creating together — Life — is also, at the same time, creating us.

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So, I’ve been thinking about how this grooves with the results of the British meat-snack survey. How concern for the expectations of others, our fear of failing to conform to what we imagine their expectations to be, can keep us from expressing our hearts’ desires. Even when our desire is something that most of us would agree is nice, mild, and low-impact — complimenting a stranger.

At first, it might seem like the answer is simply to stop worrying about others’ expectations. If it’s our fear of what others might expect that is limiting us, then let’s blast ourselves beyond that fear. Just go for it and pay compliments willy-nilly if that’s what we want to do. Who cares what anyone thinks? “What you think of me is none of my business” sort of stuff.

But, um… that doesn’t seem right. Paying compliments can’t only be about my self-expression, my personal fulfillment. That would be false and narcissistic. It has to include how the compliment is received, how it lands in another’s experience. The whole point must be, to a large degree, the other person’s feelings. We can’t dismiss the expectations of others because it’s in their expectations and experience that our compliment lives.

And I think this may be true of our other secret desires, as well — singing and dancing in public, and so on. While there may be some superficial liberty in not giving a whit what others think, it doesn’t take us very far if what we really crave is a deeper connection. While I don’t want to stay small and meek and unexpressed because I’m afraid of looking foolish, neither is looking foolish my goal.

It seems to me that the trick isn’t to disregard expectations, but to transform them. Not to rise above human interaction but to evolve it. Acceptance, kindness, praise, acknowledgment. What if we dared to expect the best of each other and ourselves? What if uniqueness, even being a total weirdo, was celebrated?

This has been my commitment for Bosque Center for Spiritual Living from the beginning. Our mission is to create activities and spaces that nurture genuine connection and spiritual growth through music, service, and the arts. We’re celebrating 5 years this week! Five years of individual self-expression, together — creating the togetherness that we are. Well done, friends. Congratulations. XO, Drew

©2023 Drew Groves