Oh, my friends…

Nothing that I thought I might write and talk about this week is anything that I want to talk or write about anymore. Not right now, at least. It all sounds naive or stupid, simplistic or fake.

Positivity feels like a really heavy lift in times like these. And while I’m pretty confident that I’ll regather my hopeful and optimistic wits about me in time, I’m not there yet.

Where I’m at is anger and blame, fear and loathing. Part of me wants to lash out. Another part wants to give up. Even though I know — I KNOW! — such reactions don’t make anything better. They don’t even blow off enough steam to make me feel better. But, then again, burying “negative” thoughts and feelings seems like it might make things worse…

I’m dizzy as I spiral through phases of grief, round and round — denial, rage, depression, numbness, bargaining. Conventional wisdom holds that grief finds its footing ultimately in acceptance. Can I accept this?

Here’s what that looks like for me today: I accept that I don’t know.

I don’t understand how this could happen. I’m confused about who I thought we were. And I’m at an utter loss about how to proceed.

Which is really unsettling. Because I really prefer confidence. And I’m afraid that confessing my shaken faith will let down everyone who wants me to be encouraging and inspiring.

But not-knowing is maybe the best I can offer right now. Here’s one good thing about not-knowing — it leaves wiggle room for possibility. For something we haven’t yet imagined.

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Scouring the internet for scraps of hope, I came across this quote from Edmund Burke:

“Never despair. But if you do, work on in despair.”

It’s not exactly a soaring uplift. But it does seem like solid, practical advice. Work on. Same as it ever was.

Do our best. Actively look for good in others. Keep our hearts open, as much as we can. Try to bring compassion, mercy, and respect to the world — even to the parts and the people that make us want to scream. Forgive ourselves when we fall short. Stay informed and aware of the challenges we’re facing, but for god’s sake let’s also give ourselves some breathing room and unplug from time to time. Sing. Make art. Bake bread and share a meal. Snuggle with an animal or a human. Get in nature. Smile at a stranger.

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On Tuesday night, I was very grateful to be in a book study rather than watching election returns. The book we’re exploring is Consolations, by David Whyte, a collection of short essays in which the author savors the deeper meanings of everyday words.

A number of the words we discussed and wrote about on Tuesday feel especially resonant right now, and I think they may be mostly what we talk about on Sunday.

I’m thinking about DISAPPOINTMENT, DESPAIR, and DESTINY.

Then again, I don’t know. I don’t know. Maybe we’ll just sing and cry.

One thing I’m still pretty sure about is that community is more important than ever. Friendship is going to be what gets us through this, and everything. So I really look forward to being together with you this Sunday.

Until then, stay strong, Dear Hearts. Take care of yourselves and give yourselves permission to feel everything that you’re feeling. You’re not alone. We have a prayer Zoom tonight from 7:00-8:00pm. Here’s the link. XO, Drew

©2024 Drew Groves