My usual approach can be kind of hard.

Not only hard as in difficult — though certainly that, too. But also hard as in a fierce ability to take a hard look at things when necessary, to have hard conversations when called for. To draw hard lines and take hard stands, as appropriate. I’ve done a lot of hard work to get where I am. And experience has made me very hardy. I’d like to think I’m a hard act to follow.

It’s an awful lot of hardness.

This may very well afford strength and surety, courage and wisdom, professionalism, directness, reliability, consistency — all qualities I’m proud to embody. Unfortunately, it also means that I often feel especially hard-pressed when I do anything, even things that don’t demand such a gritty outlook or quite so much grim determination. Hard becomes a habit.

Recently, Travis and I have been enjoying an old season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. One of the themes in the competition is that authentic vulnerability truly can be our greatest strength. There are always a few hard-boiled drag dames reluctant to reveal too much of themselves, which is quite understandable, but for which they get dinged by the judges. It’s making me think about my own style and attitude.

I’m recognizing the ways that I’ve internalized the idea that “life is hard” and adopted a strategy of being rather hard, myself, simply in order to face it. When life seems tough, I’ve learned to be tough and thick-skinned right back at it. Whether or not this is ever sensible, it’s no wonder that I often feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Gah — both the hard place and the rock are me!

So now I’m wondering where and how I might soften.

If I didn’t have to prove myself. If I wasn’t holding on for dear life. If I allowed a little more flexibility and bend. If I didn’t have so many firm (hard) opinions and passionate (hard) commitments. What would that feel like? Maybe kind and graceful… Maybe easy…

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In an improv class last weekend, warming up as we moved freely around the space, we were instructed to keep our gaze soft.

Of course, I’ve done similar activities before. And I’ve had glimmers of a soft-focus sensibility from time in time in meditation and prayer, or when in a creative “zone.” What occurred to me in the improv class and what I shared when we checked-in with each other afterwards was that I felt especially present. Present in a manner that isn’t my usual way.

Typically, for me, “presence” sounds like a call for laser-sharp clarity. Planting my feet firmly on the ground so I’m ready to spring into action, keeping my mind quick and alert, my hand poised above the buzzer. HARD.

In this exercise, however, while I was very aware of the other people in the room, I didn’t need to steel myself against them, or get up in anybody’s face, or fight, or win. I was connected to my surroundings without engaging directly or harshly with any of it. I felt prepared to respond if needs be. Perhaps I was even more prepared than I normally am, precisely (or imprecisely) because I wasn’t fixed on any one thing, any one problem, any one issue, any one other. I could take it all in, softly — what was in front of me, everything in my periphery, and even behind me.

Brene Brown counsels: “Soft front, strong back.” It’s a Buddhist concept. A good one.

Keeping soft in our relationship to each other and to the world doesn’t mean weakness, flakiness, or an unprincipled lack of anything. We can be strong and soft at the same time. Deeply committed and also open. Worldly wise and also surprised and delighted by life’s perpetual newness. Smart and also generous of mind and spirit, willing to honor others’ perspectives.

This week I’m trying to cultivate more warm fuzzies, both inwardly as well as in my approach to life. Allowing myself a soft spot for the entire world. Not so many opinions, especially when they’re not really helpful. Definitely less outrage, when I can let it go. Tenderness towards others and gentleness for myself. Fuzzy focus, soft eyes, strong back, wild heart.

I can’t wait to be with you this Sunday, October 13. Welcoming special musical guests, Raychael Stine and Jared Israel Putnam. XO, Drew

©2024 Drew Groves